You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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