i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
