I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
