can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Randomize
