I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
