I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
