I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
