the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
