Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
