He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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