He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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