Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
