i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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