in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
