We won't sleep together?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
