Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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