Pants 0. Shit 1.
Welp...herpes.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
