hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
