bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize