At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
