watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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