he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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