And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Are these your boobs on my camera?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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