and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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