you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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