I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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