Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
