my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
