my mouth tastes like poor choices
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
