I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
