Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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