i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
