Someone shit on the floor
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
