captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
