Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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