I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
