he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
