I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
