omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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