My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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