my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
