were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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