You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
