He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
