you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
