college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
