Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
