Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Randomize
