Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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