For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
