I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
