my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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