I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
