I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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